I’m not sure how to answer this really Cas.
I uh, You like this?
And then Dean put his boy-thingy into Cas’ you-know-what and then they did it for the first time.
what does tumblr even mean
tumblr means family. and family means nobody get’s left behind.
that’s actually kind of touching. :’)
it’s actually kind of gay
that’s also what tumblr means
“Yeah well, what if I said I wanted you to be a part of my life? I’m not going to lie Cas, there were some times that I wish I could back to the way things were, but in the end I wouldn’t trade the times we shared for anything.” He said and shook his head.
“Of course I do Cas. Sure you made some mistakes along the way, but so did I. Everyone messes up from time to time. No sense of staying mad at you.” he said and gave a soft smile when Castiel’s eyes met his own.
He could only imagine what the angel was thinking right now. After all, Dean looked and sounded like Hell. He reeked of alcohol and he could imagine that it wasn’t a pretty sight.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is, I forgive you Cas and I would really like it if you didn’t run off again and stayed here with me.”
Castiel couldn’t help the small—quickly growing—smile from forming on his face as he listened. Dean wasn’t one to say things he didn’t mean, either—especially not things like this. Castiel would have expected that he would trade their time together for Dean’s safety, and to be able to wipe his time in Purgatory away. However, he found himself doubting that now. Sure, he would do anything to erase his mistakes, as long as he could stay with Dean.
Castiel realized, then, that that was the reason he had answered Dean’s prayer, as well. Because, even if it was selfish, Castiel would never be able to stay away unless Dean specifically wanted him to. And, at that point, the angel was sure that he had never meant a smile as much as he did then.
“Thank you, Dean,” Cas gave a small nod, still smiling that smile, “I would…really like that as well.” He wasn’t sure what else there was to say, other than that. And all he really wanted now was to wrap his arms around the hunter again, and relive that feeling of home.
Dean just stood there and listened to Castiel. Normally he would have cut the other off by now with some comment that would end in some fight; however, this wasn’t the case. He honestly wanted to know the angels reason for leaving and staying away — and really he didn’t know what he had expected Castiel’s reasons to be, but these weren’t it.
Dean slowly nodded and looked at the ground for a moment before looking back at Castiel. “Oh yes because if you had never shown up my life would have been so much better. Cas, I would still be in Hell doing things I don’t don’t even want to think of, if you had never shown up.” He said. “Sure I could have done without the whole saving the world bit and losing Sam to Lucifer, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand here while you try and tell me my life would be better. I mean take a look around man, this isn’t better. Hell this is worse.” He shook his head and sighed.
“Cas, buddy, I need you. Look at me, I’m a mess. I haven’t slept in days, I haven’t eaten, Hell all I’ve done since you left was try and drink myself my death.”
“Also, don’t give me that crap about how I shouldn’t have to clean up your problems. You didn’t have to drag me from the pit, nor did you have to clean up all my messes, but you did. So you had damn well believe I’m going to help you clean up yours.”
Castiel sighed, having half-anticipated Dean’s response. “Yes, but pulling you from Hell were my orders. My point was, the way I have made myself a part of your life since.” He shook his head a little, “Dean. If I had just carried out my orders, and then left you alone, you wouldn’t have even noticed the difference between my being here and not.”
Cas did look at Dean. His eyes immediately found the bags under the hunter’s eyes again, and felt guilty once more. If he had just told him why he was gone, just responded to the first prayer and explained… Except, Castiel was fairly sure, somewhere in the back of his head, that Dean wouldn’t have given up even after an explanation.
The angel actually gave a soft, slightly bitter, laugh at that, “Yes, I did. I was very obeying of orders back then, remember?” But the rest shut him up, because everything finally fell into place for once. “You regard me…almost the way you do your brother,” he finally said, awestruck. “Even after everything.”
Dean could feel his whole body relax as he felt the others’ arms wrap around him. It was in that moment that everything was perfect. Dean forgot all about his problems, how tired he was, and how over all shitty he felt. None of that mattered because Castiel was alive.
Dean felt at home again. Castiel made him feel safe and at peace, which that in itself was a scary thought for the hunter since it wasn’t something he was used to. He didn’t care that they didn’t part friends, he was just happy to to have his angel back. However, this didn’t last long once he heard was Castiel said.
“Wait, you stayed away? I thought you were dead. I prayed to you, Cas. Every night. I gave up thinking you were dead and come to find out you were only staying away?” he said his tone showing just how angry he was to hear this. Yes he was happy to have Castiel back and that wouldn’t change; however, that didn’t change that Castiel has just ignored Dean when he called for him.
Castiel gave a sigh of resignation. Lying to Dean had always proved to be the worst idea he could possibly think of in the past, and so Castiel did the opposite. He told the whole truth. “Yes, Dean. I know. I heard you, and please, you must believe me, there was nothing I wanted more than to come back.” Dean’s voice echoed in Castiel’s head—all the times he had prayed, all rushing through his head at once, slowly getting more and more hopeless.
“I’m sorry, Dean. But I thought it was for the best.” Finally letting go on any reservations he had about spilling the entire truth to Dean, Castiel added, “I thought it was best for you. Before I arrived, a few years ago, your life… It wasn’t simple, by any definition, but it was much simpler than it is now. On top of everything you already deal with… Dean, my mistakes aren’t something you should add to the list of things you need to clean up.”
Castiel couldn’t meet Dean’s eyes any more. He knew he had done wrong by not explaining this to him earlier. “I expected you to stop calling after a while. Though, I suppose, I should have learned by now not to underestimate you, Dean.”
I accidentally started playing “It’s Time,” in two different tabs and it basically sounded like this.
Dean had all but given up by this point. The angel wasn’t going to show — he hadn’t in the past and the hunter couldn’t see him making a habit of it now. Dean just had to face the fact that his angel was gone and he had, once again, lost someone he held dear. Hell he had lost the one last good thing in his life all because he was too scared to let Castiel know how he really felt. Sure they didn’t part of the best of terms due to all the random fights that almost always ended in Dean yelling and Castiel angel mojoing out of the room to God knows where, but he would always come back — so Dean thought. This past time he hadn’t been so lucky.
Bad terms aside, Dean still cared about Castiel and was worried. He hadn’t slept in weeks, he spent most of his days and nights sitting alone drinking. It had gotten to the point that Dean honestly saw himself drinking himself to death if he didn’t stop; however, even that didn’t stop Dean, if anything, it made him drink more. Really he had no idea why he was drinking so much, it wasn’t like this was Castiel’s fault, the only thing the angel did was tell Dean how he felt and Dean turned into some fight. He wasn’t drinking because he was mad at Castiel, but because he was angry at himself — a feeling the hunter was all too used to.
‘Face it, the dude isn’t going to show.’ Dean thought and with a dry chuckle slid off the Impala’s hood when he heard a voice from behind him. He quickly turned around and what he saw caused him to become frozen in place for a moment. His breath caught in his throat as he could only stand there looking at person before him. After what seemed like forever he took a small step froward before stopping and shaking his head. “No, you’re not real… you never are. I’m going to turn around and when I look back you’ll be gone, just like you always are.” he said as he shut his eyes and began to count down from five. Once he hit zero Dean opened his eyes only to find Castiel still standing there a few feet in front of him.
By this point Dean didn’t know what to do, so he did the first thing that came to his mind (other than punch Cas in the face). His whole expression softened as he walked up to the angel and pulled him into a long hug. After a moment he pulled back and lightly placed a hand on the others’ shoulder. “…You’re really here. You’re alive. I thought you were dead.”
Castiel took a quick evaluation of the hunter’s face once he could see it. He first noticed the bags under his eyes, telling him that Dean hadn’t slept for a while, which had the angel naturally concerned. Then, Cas noticed that Dean’s face was pallid, and he worried for his health. The small step Dean took in the angel’s direction had a small smile creeping onto his face, before he started speaking. Not real? Of course he was real. Castiel’s worry only increased—from the sound of it, Dean had had a few encounters with Castiels that weren’t real, which made the angel fear for his mental state, as well as his physical state.
He just tipped his head to the side, a mixture of concern and confusion clouding his features. He just waited, head still tilted, while Dean proved to himself that Castiel was real and, once he did, he prepared for some sort of violent attack, but no. Dean’s expression became the opposite of expected, and suddenly the hunter’s arms were wrapped around the angel.
Castiel barely missed a beat, bringing his arms up to return the hug. His eyes slipped closed for a moment, just relishing the feeling of being home. Suddenly, he got the feeling that he never wanted to leave again, that he belonged there, with Dean, and his brother, and his car, saving however many people they could, for the rest of their lives. Once Dean pulled away, however, the angel came back to his senses a little bit.
“Yes. I’m sorry, Dean.” He didn’t want to provoke the hunter, didn’t want another fight—they’d had far too many of those. With a sigh, Castiel added, “I thought it best…if I stayed away.” He wasn’t sure if he said it because he wanted to change the subject, or because it was really concerning him—perhaps both—but he said, “When was the last time you slept, Dean?”
Dean sat in the driver’s seat of the impala that he had parked on the side of a dirt road, an almost empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s in one hand, and at least three empty bottles in the passenger’s seat. He took a long swig from the bottle as he reached over to the radio turning up as Zeppelin’s Ramble On came on. He shut his eyes listening to the music and trying to forget all the pain and anger that was filling up inside him. He took one last swig finishing off the bottle as he tossed it to the side with the others.
He continued to listen to the music as he began to rethink his entire life. He thought about when Sam was first born, about his mother before she died, and about his father and how he gave his own life to save his son. Dean knew good and well it was his fault his father was dead. It was him that should have died back in that hospital, not his father. He thought about Sam leaving for Sanford and how he had to go get him when their father didn’t come home. He thought about Ash, Ellen, Jo, and all the others he grew close to, but was unable to save. He then thought about Castiel and how his whole life he didn’t believe angels could be real. The world was too full of evil for something as pure and innocent as Castiel to exist in it. Now that Castiel was gone that only proved Dean’s point about the world more.
Dean got out of the car, grabbing a beer. He looked up to the sky and held his arms out to his sides.
“Why! Why did you take him from me you sons of bitches! Damn it Cas just … just come back already. I need you! You hear me Castiel? You get your feathery ass down here.” He yelled up at the sky and waited for an answer he knew wouldn’t come. “Come Cas give me a sign you’re there! Anything! Just do something!” Again he waited for an answer he knew wouldn’t come. He ran his fingers through his hair and took a gulp of his beer. ”Son of a bitch!” He yelled, tears of frustration rolling down his cheeks. He threw the half empty bottle on the ground watching as it shattered.
He made his way back to the Impala taking a seat on the hood, staring at the ground. Why he didn’t just get the in car and drive off he had no idea. It wasn’t like Castiel was going to show up – he never did. Dean prayed to him every night, and every night it was the same thing. “Cas I need you” or “Cas, I could really use your help.” and of course the guy never showed, yet Dean sat here hoping, praying, that the angel would show up this time.
Castiel appeared immediately after his name was called, the first time. He remained at the rear of the car, thinking it best to keep his distance for the moment. He quickly noted the empty bottles, as well as the one Dean was holding, and knew immediately that this wasn’t going to end very well. To hear that the other needed him both warmed Castiel’s heart, and solidified the reason why he should stay away. It was a very confusing mixture of the two. Add that to the fact that Cas longed to stay, and you’ve got yourself a very conflicted angel.
The hunter was the only thing stopping him from leaving right that second. The way he sounded so defeated, like he’s just about accepted the fact that Cas wasn’t returning any time soon, or ever. Castiel knew he would live to regret it, and really, he should have left Dean until he was sober, but he couldn’t leave him like that, just praying for the angel to appear. Each time the hunter had prayed previously, it had been a gruelling effort to stay away, but now that he was there—could see how hopeless Dean looked… Castiel gave a soft sigh and slowly made his way towards the hood of the familiar vehicle.
He even trailed his fingers along the sleek black metal as he passed, a feeling of coming home washed over him. By the time he reached Dean, he had buried his hand in his pocket again, knowing how protective he was of his car, and knowing how mad he was at the angel. He stood, just behind the hunter, just out of his line of sight, for a moment, before sighing almost silently.
“Hello Dean,” he spoke quietly, almost softly—despite the gruff undertone—so as not to startle the hunter. Doing so would probably end up with a bullet to the chest, and that wasn’t something Castiel needed right then.